It’s no secret that the Spike Video Game Awards have been, for the most part, dreadful experiences. They always rope a likable host into making the regrettable decision of regurgitating terribly written jokes in between reveal trailers and the occasional award presentation, and we’re all worse off for falling for it. They’re at least bringing a bit of respectability into the process this year, pulling some well-regarded game writers to vote on the awards. Then again, those writers have got their own sites and publications that will each run their own awards, so the whole process feels redundant somehow.
So how do we cope with the dirty shame that comes with plopping down in front of the TV so that publishers can sell us games that aren’t even out yet? I’ve got a few ideas.
Make a Drinking Game of It
Let’s be honest here: the last few Video Game Awards shows haven’t exactly set a high watermark, so if you want to be entertained on Saturday night you’re going to have to facilitate that process a bit. Homer Simpson’s infinite wisdom points us to the clear choice — heavy drinkin’.
The obvious drinking game here is to drink every time you don’t laugh after a joke, but be careful — if you’re pounding shots then you’ll probably be going to the hospital to get your stomach pumped after thirty minutes. Just grab some beers and you’ll be just as well off. As a bonus, chug an entire beer if (read: when) Metal Gear Solid: Rising doesn’t get a release window more specific than [season] 2012.
And to ensure that you don’t devolve into a raging alcoholic from drinking and watching the Spike VGAs …
Don’t Watch It Alone
There are few scenarios in which drinking alone isn’t terribly sad, and doing so while watching the VGAs definitely isn’t one of them. Even if your friends don’t drink, they’ll keep you from being found dead of liver failure by firemen after you don’t show up for work all week. This is good.
At the very least, you’ll be able to bask in the probable misery of yet another awkward awards ceremony. Who else are you going to make sarcastic remarks to? Your cat? The lamp? And in the off-chance that the show is actually enjoyable, you’ll be sharing a bit of television history together. Where were you the first time the Spike VGAs didn’t suck? Why, Greg’s house, of course! Imagine how excited your grandchildren will be to hear all about it!
It would also help to be as vague as possible when you invite them over. When they ask what the viewing party is for, tell them it’s an awards show. When they ask what the awards are exactly, tell them they should get there a few minutes early to help set up. When they ask again, tell them to bring the dip. When they ask one last time, hang up!
Assume the Host is Being Blackmailed
Between Samuel L. Jackson, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris, and Zachary Levi, the VGAs have had a nice run of likable hosts. Given their good standing, their involvement is often confusing. Just think of the funniest number of terrible things that they’ve entrusted to the wrong people and move on.
Shut Your Brain Right the Hell Off
A close relative of the “drink yourself stupid” suggestion above, but not quite the same. Rather than ingest copious amounts of alcohol, you simply turn off your brain and become what appears to be Spike’s target demographic — the consumer whore aged 18-34.
Whereas normal brain function would tell you that you’d rather watch your dog being hit by a car, this enlightened (?) state of mind will reveal what’s really important at the Spike® Video Game Awards — exclusive trailers, reveals, and augmented reality! Get yer goddamn Best Independent Game award outta my face and tell me who’s going to be on the cover for the new (and download-only) NFL Blitz! Your Best Performance by a Human Female thingie is in the way of the new Transformers: Fall of Cybertron trailer, ya boob!
Did Zachary Levi just segue into Best Original Score with a dick joke? Classic. Hmm, Portal 2’s synthesized sound was really– ooh quiet, it’s time for the new Amazing Spider-Man trailer!
Man, who cares about all of this months-old stuff when all this great new shit’s, like, a year away? Hoo boy!
… hngh … oooooOOOOOH GOD WHAT HAPPENED HOW LONG WAS I OUT?!?!?
Maybe I’ll just watch the trailers online on Sunday.